Drew this for Chris in honor of his new favorite game ‘Don’t Starve.’ Continue reading
Happy Valentine’s Day (362 Days Early)!
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Yay Decorating
Got the butterfly painting in Costa Rica! Feeling quite proud of myself for finding a painting that A) Looks classy, and B) Compliments my Simpsons Nesting Dolls!
I’ve been in the mood to redecorate our apartment recently, so my next few blogs may just be more on the decorative side as opposed to the hilarious side. I came across the realization that I’ve got to start writing every day, whether it’s this blog, my journal, or graffiti in the bathroom stall while staring at the shoes of the person in the stall next to me and wondering why they aren’t moving or making any sound… Seriously, am I the only person who notices this kind of thing and gets weirded out when you walk into a bathroom stall, think you’re alone, see the shoes of someone next to you… and they’re as quiet as a cat trying to steal your food? Are they secretly wishing I would go away so they could poo in private? Are they on their iPhone so they can creepily record the sounds that other people make in the bathroom? Or are they just texting with their phone on silent so they don’t disturb anyone?
On that note, if YOU’RE one of those too quiet people in the bathroom… please feel free to leave a comment and let the world know what you’re doing in the bathroom! Because right now you’re like a scornful woman holding back… the silence is worse than the mystery.
Anyway, I was writing about inspiration! I’m going to Continue reading
Catnip Cigar
Not sure what’s behind my kitten’s obsession with putting everything in her water bowl… but this one turned her water green.
Random creepy experience
screaming kid
One of my neighbors is playing happy classical music on the piano while children outside are screeeaaaaammming. It sounds like a horror movie.
“Mold isn’t Dangerous. Cheese is Mold. You Eat Cheese”
Today I started my period, and in the spirit of things looking bloody and red, I opened some new cream that was red and pink on the inside container.
Unfortunately my husband didn’t notice it, and he poured some into his coffee and drank it.
Not sure if it’s dangerous (when I try typing “pink mold” into Google I get pictures of cute pink Hello Kitty cookie molds) so I exchanged it at the store and asked the clerk.
Now, I know she’s not a Professional Moldologist and I didn’t expect her to have an expert opinion. What I expected was maybe a, “Oh, I’m sorry! I’ll call over our manager from the dairy department and ask him.” However – when I exchanged it and asked if it was dangerous – she laughed! Totally not concerned. She looked like she was surprised I even bothered to return it and said:
“It looks like it might be red and pink dye.”
Me: “Yeah… it’s not. It looks nothing like dye. It’s mold. I tried looking it up to see if red and pink was dangerous and couldn’t find any information. Do you know if it’s dangerous?”
Her: “Dangerous? Ha! I don’t know about mold being dangerous. After all, cheese is mold!”
At this point I was livid. I understand that, from her perspective, returning this product is the equivalent of eating meat… which she clearly doesn’t do. Because her brain seemed to have some pieces missing (much like swiss cheese… Ha) I explained to her that cheese actually goes through a process where it’s cultured. For example, blue cheese has blue mold, but I’m betting you’ve never seen pink cheese, have you? And yes, ironically, the mold that we call “cheese” can sometimes grow another type of mold, and that mold isn’t necessarily dangerous. Depending on the mold, you can cut it off and eat the rest of your food! However, you cannot do that to food with red mold or pink mold… because it might be dangerous… even if it’s your beloved cheese.
Anyway, I got the impression she wasn’t 100% appreciative of my lecture regarding the miracle of cheese. She had the same look on her face that I used whenever I would watch Glenn Beck. She stated that she would confirm this information with their dairy guy and that he would give me a call.
Even if Chris doesn’t get sick, I think it’s interesting that I can’t seem to find information about pink/red mold on cream anywhere (even Siri is puzzled) so I will keep you posted on how things turn out!
Random Thought I Had While Shoe Shopping:
I always shudder when I meet someone who says, for fun, they like “people watching.”
People Watchers always talk about their activity in a super condescending tone:
“Oh, you know, I looove sitting around and staring at people… judging them. People are so fascinating. Every single person with their beautiful, ridiculously human idiosyncrasies… blahblahblah.”
Stop it! No one thinks you’re Sherlock Holmes. Just turn on Reality TV and you’ll get exactly what you’re looking for, Mr. Poopy People Watcher!
Another Inspirational Quote
“Most girls can only do pushups on their knees… Which works for everything else they do on their knees.” – Krav Maga Teacher
Short People Problems
Why Google Says I’m an SEO Expert
I’m excited to announce that the last few weeks of powerful SEO dedication to my blog have paid off! My SEO team has been deep in the trenches trying to figure out ways to be found on Google.
Well, lo and behold, I have received my first organic searches from Google!
Hot Cougars
Yup, that’s not 1, but 2 people Google searching “hot cougars” and finding the picture associated with this blog about Cougar Mountain.
As a matter of fact, just to grease the SEO wheels a bit…
Unfortunately, you’ll also notice they have a bounce rate of 100% with a site visit duration averaging out to 0 seconds. Meaning my new audience could only spare 0 seconds out of their busy schedule of masturbating to hot cougars to read the blog.
Also, as you’ll see below, a porn site referred a total of 32 people to chelsearant.com. They are my top referrers and top searches. (You’ll see that seoanalyses.com has referred 10 visits, but do *not* go there if you’re looking for SEO advice. It’s porn…not SEO analysis.) I know that’s ironic as I’m bragging about being a SEO person because of porn. But again, that website has nothing to do with SEO and has everything to do with porn and hot cougars.
Hot Cougars
I believe this would be referred to what sociologist Robert K. Merton referred to as the Law of Unintended Consequences.
Well, I demand that interneters searching for hot cougars continue finding ChelseaRant.com via Google Image Search. I will keep up with this demand until at least one person who intended to find pictures of hot cougars decides to spend 5 minutes on my website instead.
Will my hot cougars SEO campaign help my site gain some well-deserved recognition? Or will Google put me in the Guantanamo Bay category of “Dangerous site – Do not Visit”?
We shall see. In the meantime…
Goodbye Wisdom Teeth
While staring at my bloody teeth in my dentist’s hands the other day I had a realization about health. I asked if it was safe to drink like an adult, or if I should hold off because they just removed my top two wisdom teeth. Does alcohol do anything bad to empty teeth sockets? No worries, my dentist reassured me that he approved of me “having fun.”
And it made me think about how unimpressed I am with toothpaste commercials stating: “4/5 dentists recommend X!” Yeah? Well my dentist recommends I drink a Hot Toddy over activities that could upset the holes in my mouth (giggity) including drinking through a straw, swishing, and spitting. So the real question is: Under what circumstances do dentists approve of your product, Mr. Toothpaste SmartyPants? When you show them your toothpaste, do they shrug and say, “It’s okay I guess” and you go wild with claims like: “Dentist recommended!” on your toothpaste tube?
P.S.
Delicious ingredients include Metaxa Brandy, Hot water, Cinnamon sticks, Honey and Lemon, and Love.
P.P.S.
At the hippy grocery store near my apartment I learned to stay away from chocolate bars that promise to include “toffee and gratitude” in their active ingredients. They usually only have half the toffee as normal chocolate bars who are secure and don’t feel the need to express their “gratitude” toward you.
Screw you too, chocolate!
P.P.P.S.
Yes, I did buy a “thank you” chocolate bar for myself. Don’t judge – the wrapper was colorful and pretty. :-)
