Every year Seattle and Portland host an amateur-produced film festival called Hump! The films are mostly created by locals competing in categories including Best Humor, Best Sex, Best Kink, and Best in Show. Afterwards all the films are destroyed, so you can “be a porn star for a weekend—not for life!”

I’m happy to say that the first and only time I’ve ever assisted at filming a porn did not involve me being a fluffer. It wasn’t a “porn-porn,” it was more like a comedy about two dashing 20 year old boys who go on an adventure to Cougar Mountain in Issaquah. I won’t give away too much, but I will say they have a kerfuffle between some “cougars” hell-bent on turning those boys into men. I volunteered to be a Production Assistant aka Super Cute Bouncer who could keep hikers off the set and preserve their purity.

I’m a horrible liar, so I started prepping our story in advance: “Hey, right now we’re filming a documentary about cougars. If possible, would you mind turning around and taking another trail?… What are we doing? Uhh… we’re having a picnic! Yes, we do need that blanket in the bushes, it helps keep the bugs away… Why, I thought everyone wore mini-dresses and heels to a picnic, don’t you?”

We got to filming and I witnessed one of the surprisingly most impressive things I’ve ever seen in a porn: A woman accidentally stepping on a slug with her bare feet and remaining in sexy, seductive character. We headed back to the picnic table and, to our dismay, as soon as we sat down we were greeted by the Park Ranger. Were we “screwed” so-to-speak? Or did he decide he wanted in on a piece of the action?

Stay tuned to Part 2…